[TIMELINE: NOVEMBER–DECEMBER 2019]
In November, less than a month after we returned from Italy and Sicily, our family was plunged back into the unpredictable world of endless problem solving. The first issue that popped up was my sister’s growing frustration that she was not an independent person anymore.
Peggy’s assisted living facility has a policy requiring that new residents wear a “wanderguard” monitor to alert staff if they are trying to exit the building. Although she wasn’t really in any danger of roaming off, she agreed to wear a monitor anyway just for her own peace of mind.
Unfortunately, this meant she couldn’t open the front door of the facility without an alarm sounding, so she would have to get someone to disarm it for her. Even though she was still very capable of going out to lunch with friends or taking a walk in the park by herself, she never quite remembered why she couldn’t exit the building unattended, so the drama that ensued when she tried to leave often triggered a tantrum. After that first time, I was on the phone with her for two hours trying to calm her down. She was angry and upset at her limitations.
Of course, I understood how she felt. But this was the first time Peggy felt like a stranger to me on the phone. I was able to talk her down, although only once in a while during that phone call did I feel I was talking to Peggy, my sister. Mostly I was interacting with Alzheimer’s-Peggy, who was most definitely not the same person. Already our conversations were starting to become sessions where I had to calm her much as I would a small child. I’d use a soft voice, validate her, reassure her, and choose my words very carefully so that I didn’t trigger her in any way.
In early December, thankfully, I saw a small ray of light. Peggy actually confided in me that, while at first she really wasn’t thrilled about moving to assisted living, she had decided that now she really liked it there. I was so happy! Also at this time, I started planning a blow-out family Christmas celebration for Peggy at our parents’ house.
The three of us had shared ownership of the home for a few years, ever since my father died. But now that Peggy had moved out, it was time to sell. We planned to put the house on the market in early 2020, so we would be getting it into shape right after the first of the year.
Before the party, our cousin Nikki came to spend an afternoon at the house to decorate and help set up our big Christmas tree. Peggy did her best to help—but we could all tell that the ornaments and decorations flummoxed her. She didn’t quite know what to do with them. Before that day, I don’t think Nikki really believed me when I told her Peggy had declined, but after seeing Peggy with the now-inscrutable ornaments, it was undeniable. I wasn’t totally thrilled that Nikki had to witness Peggy’s confusion, but it was comforting that she did. She now had a good understanding of what I was experiencing every time I interacted with Peggy.
We rallied everyone in our family in the hopes that they would be able to come by on Christmas Eve—and happily, everyone did. As it turned out, it was (to this day) the last of our family’s huge old-time Italian Christmases that we had enjoyed since we were little. It was a good crowd: about thirty people, lots of kids. We enjoyed an entire banquet of wonderful Italian food—spaghetti, homemade sauce (cooked for hours, of course), meatballs, Italian sausages, braciola, pizza—everything and anything you could ever want in a festive Italian dinner.
Our cousin Dale (Nikki’s husband) put together the meatball mixture, and then he and Peggy shaped it into meatballs before frying them. Peggy quickly got into the spirit of making the meatballs. It was definitely a happy time for her, and for all of us.
After dinner, Santa came and distributed presents to all of the kids. Then the adults exchanged presents. My partner Jon and I had put together a scrapbook of our Italy trip as a special gift for Peggy. We filled it with all of the tickets to museums and shore trips that we had saved and some of our best photos. She was so happy when she unwrapped it! Peggy kept it with her until the end, and we pulled it out many times before then to cheer her up, to remind her of fun times, or to calm her down. But for that one Christmas Eve, it was simply a perfect reminder of the fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime trip we had just taken together.
A lesson learned: Christmas in 2019 was one of the last special events we all could attend before Covid shut everything down. What did I take away from that? Don’t just talk about doing “something” with your loved ones—actually do it. You never know when Covid, or Alzheimer’s, or something worse could crash into your life and prevent you from doing that “something.” Again, I’m so glad we put that cruise together and got Peggy to Italy while we still could.
And now for a bit of foreshadowing. Just a couple of days after Christmas, we heard the first murmurings of what would later become, in just a few months, the global Covid-19 pandemic.
Since we were already in California for the holidays, Jon and I had planned a big night at DNA Lounge in San Francisco to cap off the year. DNA is pretty special to us (not just the staff, but also the regulars who frequent the venue). For years it’s been a safe place for us, a musical home away from home, a familiar refuge filled with good memories. No matter what else is going on our lives, I know I’ll be able to relax as soon as I walk in the door.
For this visit to DNA on December 27, we were happy to score tickets to see Astral Projection, a favorite electronic band of Jon’s and a big deal in the world of Goa and psytrance music. Together with some friends, we even decided to splurge on a private table (with food, alcohol, and other beverages included). We danced the night away!
At one point the conversation turned to what was going on in China, the news we had read about people getting sick, and the growing seriousness of the situation. We wondered aloud if this new “flu” would get contained over there or would it spread? Still, we shrugged it off. It wasn’t anything that any of us were terribly concerned about at the time.